Sex, like most
other functions of our body is a normal process. As other
functions, like for example, the digestion, can be upset by
factors like a bad mood, stress or similar such things, so can the
sexual function be disturbed by a whole lot of factors. These may
not necessarily involve the anatomy but instead it’s the mind,
which makes the difference.
If sex is allowed to happen naturally, in a relaxed way, our
bodies will respond normally without any conscious effort on our
There are a wide variety of problem or situations that can upset
the normal sexual responsiveness, most of them, fortunately, can
be helped in a positive manner by understanding on our part. Here
are a few of the most common amongst them and ways to improve:
Misunderstanding and/or lack of information about sex :
Its indeed one of the most telling ironies that Sex, despite being
one of the most commonly discussed topic in our lives and in the
media, there is a surprising lack of correct information about
‘What to Expect and How to Act’.
Those images of the ‘Perfect Macho Man and The Perfect Sensual
Woman’ on the TV and in the Magazines make us feel that Sex
instead of being a perfectly normal natural and enjoyable thing,
is an ‘Act to be Performed to Perfection’. All this does it to add
to the confusion and leads to unrealistic fears, expectations and
about Sex and its consequences -
1. Fear of pregnancy; Fear of pain; Fear of being caught / heard / or interrupted.
2. Performance Anxiety-Fear of failing to perform well.
3. Fear of losing control (during orgasm) and or
4. Looking unattractive during the climax.
5. Bad feelings about yourself or your body like, feeling
that the body is unattractive. Feelings that I am not successful
Problems in relationship –
Anger/resentment against the partner should be resolved as it can
decrease the performance and pleasure while having sex.
Unsuitable circumstances –
While a ‘Quickie’ sometimes can be fun! But normally Good Sex
requires a relaxed mind and body. Too much of a hurry, tiredness
or preoccupation can rob you of the pleasures of Sex.
Performance anxiety –
This is one of the most significant problems in the way of Good
Sex. We often forget that Sex is something that comes naturally to
all of us, instead, we seem to view ourselves as performers who
have to complete an act to perfection.
Spectator role –
Quite often we start observing ourselves as an audience, instead
of really participating in it. – We observe ourselves ‘doing the
act’, as if on stage (now coming, now coming...., so again it
doesn't,...I knew it…etc.).
Remember that you are not a spectator of an act, you are the act
itself, and you are the participant. You are not there to
critically analyze it and constantly to measure your efficiency.
You are there to ‘Let Go’ and enjoy.
Enjoy the interaction and don’t aim or worry about the
performance. Enjoy caressing, touching your partner (anywhere on
the body). It’s nice to touch and feel close to your partner.
Break the cycle of watching / worrying / and further reducing the
Communication is a vital part of having Good Sex. Remember "Sex is
as much between the Ears, as it is, between the Legs". Good
communication with your partner can make the difference between
having Sex ‘for the sake of it’ and having ‘a really good time’.
Communicate verbally/non-verbally. Tell your partner where else do
you want, to be touched-how much and for how long. Tell him/her
when it’s pleasurable and also when it hurts. Relax pleasantly and
enjoy this without worrying about the ultimate. Enjoy in different
positions, sometimes-female superior positions can be an easy
A misunderstanding between the partners can really affect the
sexual relationship badly. The clearer both are about each other
and Sex the better it is. A feeling that something important needs
to be sorted out before going further should not be overlooked.
MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT SEX
Some common misconceptions about sex:
The penis can become erect at very early stage, especially
in a young man. This does not mean that he is necessarily ready
for intercourse and he may start too soon - before his partner
feels ready. She may become anxious as she feels she is keeping
him waiting. Vaginal lubrication may remain hidden especially in
lying down positions. Both partners may assume she is not
responding, when in fact she is. Penis gives a more obvious signal
which the vagina may not. Arousal comes in waves in both the man
and the woman. This is normal. The decline doesn't mean that
something is wrong. Premature ejaculation (coming too soon, before
the partner is ready) is normal in young men, particularly when
very much aroused. Control comes with learning and practice. Many
women may not have orgasm but are fully responsive. This doesn’t
mean that they are frigid. Early sexual relationships may not
have orgasms in women. Partners need not worry. Anxiety further
inhibits it. The husband snoring one minute after ejaculating can
produce resentment if the wife is still feeling the need for
intimacy. The men have their refractory period (time during which
sexual arousal is difficult) very fast. Woman need not feel upset
(as if being used as a sleeping pill) - you can wake up your
husband sometimes and let him know.